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eptember-October: relationship changes
The transition to living together
was difficult. We gave it our best efforts:
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Tom and I did a
two-month trial move from Houston to Austin first. |
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We all talked. |
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The three of us
reached written agreement on finances ahead of time. |
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We went to
relationship counseling. |
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We worked our
12-Step programs. |
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We included fun
diversions. |
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We would stumble
and apologize. |
In short, we worked
at making our new living arrangement work. Despite our best efforts,
though, it turned out this living arrangement didn't fit quite right. The
two main things:
We share the details here with you.
One unexpected strain we
encountered was my mother died two weeks after Tom and I moved to Austin.
The main relationship impact that had was it increased my tendency to be
bitchy. I wasn't quite right. It was difficult on everyone
involved, including me.
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24/7-live-in,
versus biweekly, has had some pitfalls. |
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By unanimous
agreement, we are ending the form of our previous contract a bit early. |
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MASTER Wes states
that he feels like 3+ months of 24/7-live-in has dulled the edge of his D/s
relationship with tim. |
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Tom states that
after a year+ of striving to be "Daddy Tom" he feels he would be
more comfortable being "Tom." |
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tim, at Delta,
stated that after a year+ of striving to be a "slaveboy," he feels
he's more a "boy." In particular, he feels he has too much
self-will to be a slave. The family schedule is fairly rigid, and
that's a great deal of what hasn't been working for tim. |
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All three of us
dislike the idea of moving, unless that's what we really need to do. |
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We are going to
strive to regain the zing of biweekly service while still living
together. |
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MASTER Wes and
boy tim will retain the same forms of address at all times to minimize
confusion. |
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We might utilize
the Houston Home apartment, local hotels, etc. to help create a distinction
from the day-to-day. |
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More flexible
schedule: Household duties will remain the same,
though their scheduling will be more flexible. For example, boy tim
might do laundry on Sunday if it's not our weekend together. There is now the presumption that
individual schedules are changeable at will, but that the person will notify
the others of any changes as a courtesy. |
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Like when MASTER
Wes and boy tim were first starting out, new contracts will be on a
short-term basis to help make sure everyone's needs are getting met.
The initial period will be 30ish days: 9/25-10/25. |
By mid August, I
realized I felt like Tom and I had gotten more distant, and that boy tim and I
had experienced a pronounced drop in "erotic charge."
I talked to both about my fear that
things weren't going as I'd hoped.
I also mentioned the first solution
that came to mind: That Tom and I move out, and that tim and I go back to
having a weekend-based relationship.
Tom's reaction was "I'd rather
kill myself than move again."
tim said "I'm not interested
in a weekend-based relationship."
At our first counseling session
August 19, Counselor Bob asked us what we wanted. We each stated that we
wanted to feel that stronger connection we'd had before we moved in
together. Bob asked if I were committed to the one solution I'd proposed,
about which both had STRONG reservations. I said I wasn't stuck on that
solution, if there were other possible solutions. So we continued moving
forward, looking for ideas.
At our session Saturday September
2, tim spoke up and said that things weren't going well for him, either.
That really changed the equation.
Tom was stunned.
He later said to tim and I that he
felt there was no hope in the current configuration of living together.
Later that night, I asked boy for
clarification: Did he want Tom and I to move out -- soon? The
answer was no. Had he reconsidered the idea of having a weekend D/s
relationship with me? The answer was yes.
I thought what he meant was that
ultimately we should physically separate households, and go back to the
previous weekend-based relationship. I misunderstood.
Sunday September 3, Tom, tim and I
were talking. tim said he was hoping we'd move to a kind of regular
relationship during the week, with D/s on the weekend. Tom and I quickly
said "That won't work with Wes. We tried it ourselves."
tim was sad.
Later I noticed Tom seemed to still
be stunned from tim's announcement Saturday.
We talked for a bit.
He said that he had fears.
One fear was that I primarily
wanted a D/s relationship, that our triad located together wasn't working for
us, so therefore I wanted a duo relationship with boy tim.
I was able to reassure him that I
love him and he remains my primary relationship.
Another fear was
that, should Tom and I move, this would all happen again: I would seek
another 24/7/365 D/s relationship to add on to our peer-peer relationship.
I told him that wasn't so: I had indeed been seeking a 24/7 live-in
relationship for years. But now that I'd actually had the opportunity to
HAVE one, I realize that the day-to-day familiarity can really dull the erotic
edge: I would indeed want a D/s relationship -- but now I realize the
benefit of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and would want a
weekend-type relationship.
Yet another fear was that if Tom
needed to move on, he did not have the financial means to do so. First, I
told him that my hope was that our relationship would thrive again.
Second, I told him that if he ultimately decided he'd be happier by
moving on, our financial agreements still hold: We could sell the Houston
House and split the proceeds. And if he felt trapped by the months-long
process that a house sale involves, I'd certainly be willing to loan him money
I might have available from the sale of Mother's house.
Later he said my responses to those
three fears were reassuring.
I called Counselor Bob and asked if
he could see us that day -- on Labor Day Sunday -- as we had a major
relationship shift happening. He could. We reviewed with him the
misunderstanding about what boy tim had said the day before, that we now
understood what he meant, that what he was hoping for was not a viable option,
and that we were now all on the same page: We needed to shift toward Tom
and I finding a place of our own, and that boy tim and I could revert to having
a weekend D/s relationship. He checked in with each of us and helped
clear some air between Tom and tim where Tom was disappointed at how things had
ultimately turned out, and had been subconsciously hostile toward tim as a
result. Counselor Bob also suggested that we send Tom on vacation, as he
was showing signs -- like his suicidal thoughts -- of burnout. "That
gets better when our batteries get recharged." Tom and I also
learned that we might not be the only ones who would be physically
moving: tim has had friends as roommates before to help afford the
expensive 35th Street house, but didn't know anyone who might be a new
candidate so it was time to think of selling the house.
Not long after, I reconsidered Tom
and I's original position: Weekend D/s had indeed not worked for
us. BUT, that was 9 years ago, and tim is a different person. Were
Tom and tim willing to give it a try, or did they want to go ahead and
physically separate homes? They both agreed they'd like to give it a try.
In my initial thoughts, I wanted us
to come as closely as possible to how it had been: tim would report to me
by 5pm every Saturday night, and I would have him with no distractions through
Sunday evening.
tim and I went off to Delta (a
men-only leather run in the hills of Pennsylvania) for a long weekend and
things went overall pretty well. In the week following I realized I'd
been off in one aspect of my thinking: tim had been coming to Houston on
a biweekly basis which gave him more opportunity in the "off" weekend
to catch up on everyday stuff. We would strive for biweekly gatherings,
not weekly.
We went to relationship counseling
September 24 and all signed on to giving biweekly D/s a try -- despite its
uncertain outcome -- instead of aiming directly for certainty by Tom and I
moving out.
I'd mentioned to boy over the summer that when it got cooler, I would want him to grow a flattop.
This morning, I was doing my stretches as he showered -- and shaved his head.
When he got out, I said "Now that you are freshly shaved for today's events (going to A Chorus Line with his niece, Mitrah), tomorrow I'm going to want you to start growing out a flattop." I didn't hear any response, but then I haven't been hearing particularly well anyway. So I said "I haven't been hearing well. Did you acknowledge that?" To which Tim said "No, Sir." I asked him why. He said "I've been thinking that I want to grow my hair really long: Nobody noticed when my head got shaved. When I next make a change, I want it to be a big one." I reminded him that flattops are my favorite haircut, and that I'd notice. I don't recall there being a response.
It didn't take me long to assimilate this interaction tidbit: I was being treated like a friend, not like a Master or leather daddy.
We
had slotted 30 days to give a revised living agreement a trial. I already knew:
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"D/s
light" during the week, with High Protocol every other weekend, was not
enough for me: It comes across to me as if I'm being ignored for two weeks,
and then am expected to sexually service. I feel the same friction I had with David S., which we
finally realized was because he was more boy than slave. This also has the same no-sexual-energy problem that Tom and
I experienced when we gave it a try nearly nine years ago. |
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If the D/s
light doesn't work for me, then we are essentially an assemblage of men who
are now roommates. |
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Here are the
options as I see them: The three of us decide to live as roommates. Tom and I decide to get our own place and move out. |
Tim headed off to have lunch with Sister Teresa and Mitrah. Tom and I warmed up leftover stew and dumplings, respectively, and sat down to eat. I told Tom the conclusion I'd arrived at. I also asked him what his perceptions of our options are. He verbalized how I felt: If we're just roommates, we might as well move out and get a space of our own -- this house, while lovely, has some things we don't like, such as no garage and also a stove Tom doesn't like.
What were our options for moving? We not only had our existing savings, but we'd also have more when Mother's estate settles.
We would need to bring it up and map out a plan so that we can all three coordinate buying / selling / finding roommates / moving / etc. to minimize financial disruption to Tim.
Tom and I have
started the loan application process, and are looking for a place in Austin to
buy.
The stress level in the house has
gone way down.
The playful level in the house has
gone up.
There is some hope.
©
1998-2009 by Officer Wes