1. Quick definitions
2. Connecting
3. Communicating
& negotiating
4. Getting more informed
5. San Diego
6. About this resource and presenter
Welcome
& introductions
Introductions between leatherfolk are a great connector.
We'll start by introducing ourselves by first names.
Quick
definitions
What does
"leather" mean?
For some, “leather” is a
catch-all phrase to describe a mindset for how we approach and incorporate our
personal kinks into our life and relationships. We acknowledge our heart's
desires and unleash our spirit to explore and celebrate. For
others, “leather” is a specific subset of the broader leather/fetish/kink
community. Personal protocols
incorporating respect and honor are common.
In this group, wearing leather is appropriate.
What are “earned”
leathers
Earning leathers is a concept
whereby one’s Top/Dominant/Daddy/Master or social group bestows a piece of
leather in recognition of service, or mastery of a skill.
Some common leather
relationships
- Top/bottom
– describes the doer and the done-to
- Dominant/submissive
("D/s") – a power exchange interaction
Of note: Submissives can choose to
whom to offer their submission. They do not have to be submissive to all Doms
- Daddy/boy (&"boi") -- a D/s
relationship where often the boy has some input
- pup/Handler
– generally a playful relationship
- Master/slave -- a control/obedience relationship
where the slave strives to conform to the Master's will
- Polyamorous
("poly") -- multi-member families
- The Nine Degrees Of
Submission can help discern between nuances of submission
What could leatherfolk do together?
Heck, almost anything “from mild to wild.” Keep in mind that
what goes on always depends on the two (or more) people involved and what they
specifically are in to / open to / have agreed to. Here is a slew of possible
ideas:
abrasion, animal roles (puppy, pony, etc.), ball torture
& ball stretching, beating, biting, blindfolds, body worship, bondage, boot
worship, branding, breath control, buttplugs, cages & cells, caning,
catheterization, chains, chastity, clothespins, cock torture, cock worship,
collars, cowboys & cowgirls, cuttings, dildos, electricity, enemas,
fire play, fisting (anal & vaginal), haircuts (flat-tops, marine
high-n-tights, etc.), flogging, foot worship, fucking, gags, gas masks, glove
play, group scenes, handcuffs, harnesses, hoods, ice cubes, interrogations,
kidnapping, kneeling, latex clothing, leather clothing, manacles & irons,
marks / bruises, medical scenes, military scenes (army, air force, navy,
marines), motorcycles, mummification, obedience, pain, piercing (temporary
& permanent), prison scenes, rape fantasy, rituals, rope, rubber clothing,
scent worship (musk in groin & armpits for example), sensory deprivation,
service / serving, sex, shaving, sleepsacks, sounds (metal urethral or vaginal
rods), spanking, spirituality,
spitting, straight jackets, sucking / "going
down", surrender, suspension, tickling, tit clamps, tongue bath / tongue
worship, uniforms
(police, military, delivery man, etc.), verbal humiliation, voting to protect
one's freedom of expression (including sexual and spiritual expression), water
sports, wax (hot, dripping), whipping, wrestling
Contracts
One means to be explicit about the expectations and desires
of both parties, though they are by no means universal. Here are my family's former
contracts.
A code of correct conduct. In leather, it is a
specific Top / Dom / Daddy / Master's rules for their bottom / submissive / boy
/ slave
One way to identify boundaries for oneself and communicate
that information with a potential partner
Connecting
Safety
- Know
your partner -- to stay alive. If the person is a stranger to you, make
sure someone knows with whom you are leaving. Here are a couple of ideas:
- If you've met someone online and are headed to
their house, e-mail the address to a trusted friend
- If you've met someone in person and would like
to head home with them, ask to see their driver's license to call a
trusted friend with the name. If done politely most leatherfolk would
understand that this is a step toward helping you surrender more fully
for the evening
- Safewords -- one means of helping a Top know what's going on. However, some
reputable Tops do not use safewords because they
feel they inhibit deep surrender
Getting
"laid"
- Sexual
intercourse is not necessarily part of a leather scene
- Groups
provide a way of meeting folks but usually any parties are held separately
and can exclude vanilla sex to avoid being hassled by prostitution laws
- Dungeon
parties and private parties are one way to explore leather sexuality
- Some parties or runs require sponsors /
references to get in. If interested, make yourself known, discreetly
inquire where there are private parties, and when you find someone who is
connected, ask if the person will sponsor you. It may take a while for the
person to develop the comfort level necessary to take the calculated risk
to sponsor you, so be patient
- Please read the section on party protocol in the
above link, as party protocol is important (1) to help encourage the
right energy and (2) to be allowed back
- One-on-one
with someone you trust is perhaps best for surrender
Online
Communicating & negotiating
Flagging:
Where are this person's keys, armband, flogger, and/or handkerchief?
- Left
= Top, right = bottom
- Common
"handkerchief code" colors: black = SM, gray = bondage, hunter
green = Daddy/boy
- Collars
- traditionally mean this person is taken
Clear, respectful communication, part I
Know your own personal truth
so that you can state it in a clear, respectful manner. Here's an example:
Sir, you having a fun, hot experience is very
important. At the same time, there are some health issues I need to communicate
so that you can make informed decisions. For example, I am HIV-positive, so
please take whatever personal precautions you feel are appropriate. Also, oral
sex is very hot, but has some gray areas. If you got all worked up and wanted
to blow a man-load, I'd be mighty excited to feel it if allowed. Would you
please shoot it outside my mouth, Sir? Thank you, Sir!
Clear, respectful
communication, part II
The leather tribe works with
power.
Many folks do it well and with style.
The tribe does have a history, however, of friendly fire -- eating our own.
My observation is that we can each help contain these fires with these actions:
1. When disagreements happen, and they will, be
respectful
2. Discreet, constructive input is helpful
3. Avoid gossip
Negotiating
Dan Kalin was my leather
mentor. He was the first person who came up to me at a leather bar, circa 1988,
and said "I want to tie you up." My response was along the lines of
"That's nice. Perhaps some other time." Dan seemed to intuitively
know that I was afraid. He stayed and we talked. I started asking questions
such as "Would you stop if I asked?" (His answer was the intriguing:
"Yes, but I won't start again.") "Could there be a time
limit?" (He said it depended. I
inquired why. He explained that it took
a while to tie someone up, and if the time were too short that would mean that
untying would come shortly after, and that wouldn’t be worth his time.) When I became better versed in the leather community I realized that what we had done was negotiate a
scene. I made the leap of faith and went with him to the Brotherhood of Pain dungeon.
It was deliciously sinister. Ah,
the first time at anything: Those were some of the hottest four hours of my
life.
Getting more informed
Web sites
- caryl's BDSM Page is a vast trove of information,
particularly about dating
- Jack
Rinella's LeatherViews.com has
extensive writings on a broad variety of topics
under the Kinky Info tab
- The
Leather Journal at www.theleatherjournal.com
- OfficerWes.com will get you to the
information I've compiled about bondage, cathartic flogging, dungeon
parties, leather and spirituality, Dominance and submission & Mastery
and slavery, erotic electricity, focus, petitions, protocol, making a rope
harness, things that pinch, uniforms, and my leather family -- but be sure
to check out the concise, external Leather/BDSM
Resources
Books
There are plenty of good or
decent books nowadays. Here are some I'd recommend for a person starting out in
leather:
- Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics and
Practice,
edited by Mark Thompson.
This book provides history from the '40s forward.
- Ties That Bind: The SM / Leather / Fetish Erotic
Style; Issues, Commentaries and Advice, by Guy Baldwin, M.S.
Guy Baldwin is a presence; and his written voice reflects that. Grounded. Thoughtful. Easy to read and digest.
- SlaveCraft:
Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude -- Principles, Skills and Tools
also by Guy Baldwin.
I highly recommend this for anyone wishing to manifest their slavery
- Radical Ecstasy,
by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
Talks about what some consider the spiritual side of BDSM sex. This book was a delight to read -- open, accessible, deep, light; all at once.
- Power Circuits:
Polyamory in a Power Dynamic,
by Raven Kaldera
Great book for those interested in modern leather families.
e-groups
Some thoughts
- Working
with a real-live person, face-to-face, that you trust, beats on-line, if
it's an option
- Search
for a good group match at https://fetlife.com/groups
- groups.queernet.org -- "QueerNet Groups is the home to hundreds of email-based
communities for the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered, HIV/AIDS, and
leather/S&M communities."
San
Diego
Groups
- Bears of San Diego www.bearssd.org is a club for bears
(big furry men) and bear fanciers.
- Club
X San Diego www.clubxsd.org is a
pansexual (all inclusive: male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgender, etc.) gateway group. Hosts
quite a few different activities.
- FetishMen
SanDiego fetishmensandiego.blogspot.com
creates social gatherings – boot night, dancing, cigar night -- that cater
to gay men who enjoy leather, uniforms, rubber and other fetishwear.
- Girls’
Night Out holds quarterly all women's play parties. More info at fetlife.com/groups/29269
- San
Diego Foxhole www.foxholem4m.com is for men age 21+
- Yellow
Hankies San Diego (YHSD) for men who are into Water Sports & Kink
Play. Holds two monthly socials on the first & third Thursday of every
month at the San Diego Eagle. Subscribe to e-list.
Events (including
classes, courses & runs)
·
Sober and ride a
motorcycle? There's a San Diego chapter of Sober Riders MC, at www.soberridersmc.org
·
San Diego Leather
Pride. Held the 3rd weekend
in March.
·
San Diego Leather
Realm within San Diego Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Pride in July. More info at www.sandiegoleatherrealm.com and
www.sdpride.org
·
House of Black www.houseofblack.com
available for rentals
·
Rope. There is a robust local rope community that
teaches skills and hosts events. For
more information check out All Tied Up San Diego fetlife.com/groups/128274 and Rope
Space fetlife.com/groups/88833
·
San Diego WEG -
Workshops, Events, & Gatherings are listed at fetlife.com/groups/79938
·
San Diego Whip
Practice is normally the first Sunday of the month from noon to 2pm. For more
information see San Diego WEG (above)
Women:
Fetlife
· Girls Night Out! https://fetlife.com/groups/29269/about
· DESIRE Leather Women Unleashed https://fetlife.com/groups/2109
· Fierce Femmes of Orange County https://fetlife.com/groups/142797
· Kinky Women Who Like Women – Los Angeles https://fetlife.com/groups/22969
· LAGOL (Los Angeles girls of Leather) https://fetlife.com/groups/87829
· SDGOL (San Diego Girls of Leather) https://fetlife.com/groups/51060
Facebook
· Butch-Femme group of San Diego
· San Diego Girls of Leather
· Sex Positive Queer Women of
San Diego
In person events:
· DESIRE Leather Women Unleashed http://www.desireleather.org/ (Palm
Springs)
· Girls Night Out! https://fetlife.com/groups/29269/about (San
Diego)
Leather bars &
dance spots
- Eagle, 3040 North Park Way, www.sandiegoeagle.com
- Pecs,
2046 University Avenue, www.pecsbar.com
is the place for bears
- Rich's,
1051 University Avenue, www.richssandiego.com
-- not usually a leather bar but the 3rd Saturday of the month is
"L.L. Bear," a night of Leather, Levi's and Bears
Leather stores
- Bargain Center (military surplus store), 3015
North Park Way, 619-295-1181.
- Gear Leather & Fetish , 126 Washington Street Unit D at Third Avenue in
Hillcrest. The entrance and parking
are located in the back of the building.
- Steve Wendt of Moose Leather, does great work and takes on a few
projects. “Besides new items, I can
also repair and alter most leather goods.”
His shop is upstairs in Pleasures & Treasures (see below). Also check out www.moose-leather.com
- Pleasures & Treasures, 2525
University Ave., 619-822-4280.
Of note: Slings can be rented here.
About
About this workshop
Leather 101
is a welcoming workshop for all. We'll
touch on getting started, communication, relationships, spirituality, tips for
us in San Diego, and resources for learning more.
Leather
101 is a popular topic and has been presented to different audiences including San Diego Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Pride
, San Diego League of Gentlemen and Club X
San Diego nearly every year since 2003. Officer Wes thanks his friend
Bikkja Amy for the information on leather women’s
resources that was updated in 2017, and his friend Wendy Sue for the resources
that were used 2004-2017.
About our
presenter:
Officer Wes
entered his first leather bar in 1980. He
has examined and shared on issues of sexual expression and other areas of the
human experience for much of his life. His experiences and viewpoints
have appeared in many publications including USA Today and The Advocate.
He judges regional and international contests and presents programs and
workshops on Master/slave and Daddy/boy relationships, spirituality and
leather, great sex, pain and pleasure, uniforms, fetish, interrogation,
electricity, and other aspects of the BDSM arts at clubs and events across the
country. He is credited as an influence in the books Protocol Handbook
for the Leather Slave and Master/slave
Relations, and
is the author of the electrical chapter of the upcoming book Edgeplay and Power Exchange. His Web
sites on sexuality, health and kink stand as a resource for others seeking to
live in integrity with their authentic selves and have been visited by over a
quarter of a million people.
Officer Wes
was an inaugural mentor for SAADE, the School
for Advanced American Dominant Education, a formal mentoring program for new
dominants that instructs its apprentices not only in physical SM practices but
on the mental, emotional and spiritual dynamics of BDSM as well. He
served on the host committee for Living in Leather VIII, was an inaugural core
member of San Diego's private men's BDSM group SuperPigs, and is an
Associate Member of the Chicago Hellfire Club.
Officer
Wes has an open leather family built around shared values of respect,
honor, trust, and love. He has a slave and dogslave in service and is
himself in service to a Daddy. More information about Officer Wes can be
found at www.officerwes.com.
It
is my great hope that this may be helpful on your own journey of heart and spirit in
leather - and out!
-- Officer Wes